Wisdom & Sol
Posts
5 Rules for Setting Boundaries

5 Rules for Setting Boundaries

Struggling to enforce boundaries? Learn why boundaries you set might fail and 5 rules to set healthy ones.

Sol TV
August 03, 2023

This Newsletter at a Glance:

🔐 Setting Boundaries With Others

🔎 TL/DR: Why Boundaries You Set Might Fail

🍎 Sol Bites: 5 Rules for Setting Healthy Boundaries

🎥 Video Bite: Gail Grossman on Boundary Setting

🔮 Words of Wisdom

Last week, we talked about how to set internal boundaries—a critical habit if you want to be great at regulating your emotional state. This week, we’re discussing setting clear lines with your loved ones, friends, and co-workers.

Unhealthy boundaries are often at the root of a lot of issues. If you tolerate someone crossing the line too much, it builds up resentment and erodes intimacy. If a manager continuously gives you an excessive workload (a teammate gives you theirs) and you never push back, it can cause excessive stress and burnout. Chronic worry and anxiety plague people who just go with the flow without standing up for themselves.

It is widely acknowledged that establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for cultivating happier and healthier relationships and maintaining your overall emotional well-being.

🔎 TL/DR: Why Boundaries You Set Might Fail

You may be good at setting boundaries in theory, but the challenge is being able to enforce them. The result? You grow resentful while people in your life become increasingly disrespectful towards you.

Consider these scenarios:

Your teammate doesn’t deliver on their portion of your joint project. You could shy away from confronting them (and finish the work yourself) so they don’t think you’re a nag, or you could speak up so they don't take advantage of you now or in the future.
You expect to spend a Saturday at the park with your partner, but they ignore your plans and work all day instead. You could bring up what happened, knowing it may lead to a fight, but your trust in that person will take a hit if you don’t say something about your disappointment. Allowing situations like this to keep happening will create a growing distance between you.

Before establishing more boundaries in your relationships, remember that every limit you set requires a practical plan for enforcement. Otherwise, you may be in a worse position than if you hadn’t set any boundaries. When you set a boundary but fail to follow through, you teach others not to take your requests and needs seriously. On top of that, you’re compromising your self-worth by not standing up for what truly matters to you. Only set a boundary if you are willing to enforce it assertively.

🍎 Sol Bites: 5 Rules for Setting Healthy Boundaries

Following these rules will make it easier to follow through on your goals.

Rule 1: Be super specific about your boundaries to ensure they hold.

For example, if you want your mother to stop constantly complaining about your father, suggesting that she seek therapy instead of burdening you is a good idea, but it is not a clear boundary.

Instead, say, “Mom, I no longer want to listen to you complaining about Dad. If you call me and start talking negatively about him, I will politely end the conversation and hang up.”

Notice the specificity of this boundary, both in terms of the other person's actions and your response. It is clear what behavior is unacceptable and what consequences will follow.

Rule 2: Ensure you are ready and willing to enforce your boundaries.

You may have a rule at work about not emailing or texting after hours, but your manager doesn’t stick to it. If they message you late at night and you feel compelled to respond immediately to alleviate your anxiety, that boundary loses effectiveness.

Failing to enforce boundaries can lead others to disregard them altogether. If you want others to respect your limits, you must be willing to uphold them consistently.

Rule 3: Praise people when they respect your boundaries.

Imagine you have a roommate who continues to take your car keys without asking, despite being told they should request permission first.

You establish a clear boundary: If they take the car without asking again, they must pay you gas money.

As expected, they took the car again without asking. As an expert in setting boundaries, you add gas charges to your monthly shared expenses.

The following month, your roommate approaches you and asks, "Hey, can I borrow your car to go to a concert?" YES!!

You warmly smile and say, "Sure. By the way, I appreciate you asking first."

Taking the time to acknowledge and reward individuals when things go well is a worthwhile investment in creating lasting healthy boundaries.

Rule 4: Don’t make your boundaries moral.

Many well-intentioned boundaries often fail when people approach them as a matter of right and wrong.

Your partner has a habit of making sarcastic comments about you when they’re mad, which hurts your feelings. You've asked them to do it less, but when that doesn't happen, you become frustrated and dwell on the fact that you think it was unfair that you had to set a limit in the first place. You question your partner’s ability to act like a mature adult without needing boundaries.

In anger, you confront your partner about their behavior, which causes them to react negatively, abandon respect for the boundary, and return to their sarcastic ways.

Regardless of whether it's right or wrong, there are instances when people may not treat us well. Instead of complaining and expressing frustration about the unfairness, you have two choices: walk away from the situation or improve it by establishing stronger boundaries.

Rule 5: Clarify the why behind your boundaries.

Stress and challenging emotions often push people to abandon their boundaries. However, the key to counteracting that is to draw on the power of your values. If you’re thinking about letting a boundary slip, remind yourself of the bigger picture and why the boundary is important.

You have an employee who isn’t always showing up for work. Even though you’ve discussed their unexcused absences, they keep happening. You’re tempted to let it slide because you don’t feel like dealing with the headache and paperwork that comes with getting human resources involved—not to mention the stress of having to confront the person again.

Remembering the underlying reason for implementing this boundary is crucial: The team’s success relies on each individual fulfilling their responsibilities. Perpetuating and contributing to unhealthy work culture is why it is important to stand firm and enforce this boundary.

🎞️ Video Bite

In this video, hear what Sol TV Creator Gail Grossman, a yoga educator and author has to say about how to set boundaries and define what you value in life?