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5 Things to Remember When You’re Stuck Pleasing Everyone but You

5 Things to Remember When You’re Stuck Pleasing Everyone but You

You can stop pleasing everyone—they’ll survive without your yes.

Sol TV
April 15, 2025

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What’s the Difference Between Approval-Seeking and People-Pleasing?

These two get tangled up a lot because they’re close relatives. Approval-seeking is the desperate need to hear "You've made a good choice" from others to feel secure about your decision. It's like outsourcing your self-esteem. People-pleasing goes one step further. It's not just about seeking praise but feeling like you have to keep everyone happy, even at your own expense.

Both have the same turbulent backdrop of low self-worth, fear of rejection, and old wounds that taught you that your value depends on how others feel about you. But don't make the mistake of confusing people-pleasing with being nice. Genuine kindness doesn't leave you drained or resentful; people-pleasing does.

Where It All Starts

Approval-seeking and people-pleasing are habits that don't just appear out of nowhere. They’re rooted in how you learned to see yourself. When you were young, maybe love was a prize you had to earn. You were told to get good grades, behave just right, and get a respectable job. That behavior is called conditional love, making you think your worth is a paycheck for performing. Many students chase college degrees to win their parents' pride, but they still feel hollow even with all the gold stars. Why? The validation was for what they did, not who they were.

For other people, the urge to please or seek approval comes from surviving criticism or neglect. Perhaps you had a hypercritical parent who always found fault, caregivers who ignored your feelings, or an environment where you felt unsafe—all of those could shatter a person’s sense of self. Without that steady "you're enough" from the people who mattered most, you started looking for it everywhere else.

Are You Caught in This Trap? Let's Check

Take a second for some honest self-reflection with these questions:

Do you feel fear, anxiety, or apprehension when you need to tell someone close to you about a significant decision you’ve made?

Do you revise your words or actions to avoid getting an adverse reaction, even if it means hiding what you honestly think?

Looking back, do you regret your choices—either things you did or skipped—because they were about pleasing others and not what you wanted?

Is setting boundaries challenging, and does saying "no" feel like a high-stakes gamble?

Do you sugarcoat the truth or dodge honesty to keep the peace or because you’re scared of how someone will take it?

Do other people’s opinions—or what you assume they'll think of you—run your life more than your gut?

If you answered yes to more than two of those, you're tangled in people-pleasing or approval-seeking. But don't stress! There's a way out—and your freedom is in your own hands.

Your Plan for Breaking Free

1) Notice Patterns & Triggers

Next time you feel that pull to please or seek a nod, hit pause. What's sparking it? A person? A situation? What's the fear underneath—rejection, criticism? Jot it down. After a while, you'll spot the pattern. Try asking: "What am I scared will happen if I don't get that person’s approval?" A tool like Brooke Castillo's "The Model" (analyzing Circumstance → Thought → Feeling → Action) can help dissect your patterns.

2) Call Out the Lie

Test that voice in your head always saying, "They'll hate me if I don't agree." Is it always true? Has saying "no" ever gone well, or at least better than you expected? Flip your thinking. Remind yourself, "I can disappoint someone and still be worthy." It's not about arguing with yourself—it's about seeing the belief for the old baggage it is.

3) Say "No" and Survive

Start small. Pass on doing someone a favor that you don't want to do. Skip making plans that don't feel right. Your heart might pound, but watch what happens: nothing will explode. The more you practice, the more you prove you're safe being you.

4) Back Yourself Up

Stop waiting for other people’s applause and give it to yourself. If you stand up for what you think, that's a win! Pick what you want for once? Celebrate it! You're building a new habit: trusting your voice.

5) Face the Fear Head-On

Picture the worst: You say "no," and someone freaks out. Now, imagine handling their reaction calmly and firmly. This "active imagination" trick lets you rehearse challenging moments in your head so you’re ready when they hit for real. It's like training wheels for your courage.

The Bottom Line

Time won't heal approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior on its own. Approval-seeking and people-pleasing aren't crimes; they're survival tools you no longer need. The inner work isn't pretty or fast, but it's yours. Say one true thing. Let one person down. You're not here to carry the room, but to live in it.

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