Perfectionism is often associated with behaviors: study intensely to get a perfect SAT score, work out excessively to get a (so-called) perfect body, or meticulously focus on every detail to execute the perfect wedding.

As you can see, there’s a perceived relationship between hard work and flawless results. In theory, it makes sense because behaviors are easy to measure and see (long hours in the library, fussing over party details). But the cause-and-effect of behaviors and results is not what drives our need for perfection.

In fact, many perfection seekers know they’ll never reach true perfection, but they still feel internal pressure and a need to try anyway.

Where does that need come from?

TL/DR: Perfection is Just a Pretty Mask for Fear

While perfectionists may appear to have high standards for their work, what’s really driving them is likely a deep-seated fear. It often stems from some form of childhood trauma or perceived trauma.

For instance, a child whose parents went through a difficult divorce might develop a need to be perfect because they blame themselves for the split. They believe that by avoiding mistakes, they can avoid more instability.

Similarly, it could lead a child who feels overshadowed by a sibling to start working excessively hard to gain attention and affection. They may strive for academic, athletic, or physical perfection to help them stand out and be recognized.

Another common example of this behavior is when a child with an abusive parent forms a pattern of excessively preparing for all potential scenarios of how that parent might act toward them after school. They aim to safeguard themselves (and any siblings) and create a sense of safety.

In all those cases, pursuing perfection is a response to a distressing situation and an attempt to alleviate or avoid feeling painful emotions.

The biggest thing to remember is that we strive for perfection because it makes us feel better—we feel more control, stability, and hope.

So perfectionism is not about achieving perfection itself but rather about seeking the feeling of perfection.

This can become a deeply ingrained habit that can persist for decades. Whenever a painful emotion arises, the brain recalls past instances where striving for perfection provided emotional relief, prompting a person to pursue that option again in the present.

Each repetition of this cycle strengthens the connection between painful emotions and perfectionistic striving. This reinforces the initial push towards perfectionism and perpetuates a vicious cycle.

Sol Bites: 3 Ways to Overcome Needing to Feel Perfect

🎬 Video Bite

Strive for progress, not perfection. In this video, Sol TV Creator - Greg Carruthers shares how setting a 2 minute timer helps him begin tasks, even if he can't fully complete them perfectly.

Just taking that first step moves us away from paralyzing perfectionism. What small action can you take today to make progress?

🖋️ Words of Wisdom

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Mona & The Sol TV Team ❤️