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Is People-Pleasing Sabotaging Your Happiness?
Discover 3 tactics to stop people-pleasing and start living your best life.
Sol TV
May 02, 2024
This Newsletter at a Glance
❓ Why Do We People-Please?
📌 TL/DR: What Needs Does People-Pleasing Fill?
🎁 Bonus: How to Break Free from People-Pleasing and Set Healthy Boundaries
💪 Sol Bites: 3 Tactics to Stop PP
🎬 Video Bite: Dr. Natalie Feinblatt on Boundaries
💭 Words of Wisdom
Why Do We People-Please (PP)?
Simply put, people-pleasing is putting other people’s wants and needs before your own because you fear the consequences if you don’t.
There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to make other people happy, but it shouldn’t be because you want to avoid stress, judgment, or anger. When that happens—and it becomes a habit—it’s an unhealthy behavior.
As with other bad things, people-pleasing can feel appealing because it has a compelling short-term benefit that outweighs the long-term costs. The long-term costs are chronic stress/anxiety, not being honest with others about what you truly value, and deferring your own happiness.
For example, imagine you say yes to shopping with your friends when you only want to stay home and prepare for an upcoming job interview. Even though you know that preparing for your next career move is important to your long-term goals, the short-term benefits of shopping with your friends are also quite attractive. If you shop, you won’t feel left out, you’ll get invited to more social things with said friends, you’ll get the latest gossip, and much more.
In the long run, choosing to go shopping will lead to more anxiety, but, at the moment, it will feel really good.
TL/DR: What needs do PP fill?
People-pleasing fills all sorts of short-term needs every time you do it. These needs include avoiding judgment, feeling cared for, avoiding anxiety and more. To stop doing it, you need to figure out its role in your life and identify another healthier way to meet that need.
Explore the roots of people-pleasing, understand the power of boundaries, and learn how to set healthy boundaries.
Sol Bites: 3 Tactics to Stop PP
1) Don’t react right away.
When you get asked to do something for another person, taking time to think things over lets you make a better decision without feeling pressured. Sure, there are times when you need to make a quick choice, but in many situations, delaying your decision can be super helpful in avoiding the people-pleasing trap. Let’s imagine a friend asks you to host a brunch for her birthday. Instead of immediately saying yes or no, you could say, "Let me think about it and get back to you in a day or two."
2) Weigh the opportunity cost.
People always discuss the perks of going with the flow and doing things as they come up. But have you ever stopped to think about the drawbacks? If you take a second to weigh the pros and cons, you might decide to go differently. Before saying yes, the key is always to consider the costs, not just the benefits. One trick I’ve found helpful is to have a partner hold you accountable. For instance, you could make a deal with your partner that whenever you bring up a new idea, they have to make you think about the potential downsides. Don’t forget to consider the emotional and mental toll, not just the money. Sure, throwing a Christmas party might not seem too tough financially. But have you thought about the emotional toll...and how it might impact you before and after the big event.
3) Practice assertiveness over rudeness.
Many of us fall into the trap of constantly trying to please others because we fear being seen as unkind. Let's be real: People-pleasing might give you some temporary relief, but in the long run, it causes stress. The fact is, just because your decision feels rude doesn't mean it actually is. The key is to learn to communicate assertively, where you can express what you want while respecting others and yourself. Once you get the hang of this, saying no and standing up for yourself becomes much easier.
Video Bite
Sol TV Creator Dr. Natalie Feinblatt shares her wisdom on setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is just half the battle; enforcing them is the other half. If you neglect to set and enforce boundaries while trying to please everyone, burnout is inevitable.
Words of Wisdom
When you say yes to others, make sure you aren't saying no to yourself.
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Mona & The Sol TV Team ❤️
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