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One Technique to Feel Less Lonely

One Technique to Feel Less Lonely

Lonely AF? We gotchu. 👋 We're spilling the tea on why you feel so disconnected + an easy hack to squash that loneliness.

Sol TV
September 21, 2023

This Newsletter at a Glance:

🌌 What Is Loneliness?

✨ TL/DR: 5 Types of Loneliness

🌺 Sol Bites: Use Behavioral Activation to Feel Less Lonely

🎬 Video Bite: Dina Kaplan on Loneliness

🖋️ Words of Wisdom

We’ve written about loneliness before, but with more and more research being released on the loneliness epidemic, we decided to dive deeper into the topic this week. As a reminder, the dictionary definition of loneliness is “being without company or cut off from others.” What that definition is missing, however, is the feeling that comes with loneliness. For many people, loneliness is that state of being without company, and it’s an emotion characterized by the pain that comes with a perceived lack of intimacy with others or ourselves.

Here’s the breakdown:

Loneliness is an emotion: Loneliness is felt on the inside and doesn’t always stem from being alone or isolated. Some people experience it most intensely when they’re with a group.

Loneliness is painful: Many people find solace in solitude—it can provide relaxation or stimulate creativity. On the other hand, loneliness is a painful feeling that can lead to increased stress and anxiety.

Loneliness is perceived: It’s a subjective emotion that others cannot objectively see—again, someone could be lonely in a crowd. The perceptions stem from your own feelings and vary from person to person. Although your loneliness experience might be similar to someone else’s, everyone’s experience is unique.

Loneliness is a lack of intimacy: Differences in interests or values may contribute to someone’s loneliness. The root of loneliness lies in not feeling emotionally connected with yourself or others.

Now that you know what loneliness is about, let’s move on to the types of loneliness people commonly feel.

✨ TL/DR: 5 Types of Loneliness

🤝 Lack of Physical Connection

As humans, we’re conditioned to want physical closeness, and when we can’t have it for extended periods, we feel lonely. You may be connected to people through technology and social media, but that does not generate the same emotional and physical benefits as in-person contact. Without a physical connection, you can feel like something is missing.

🌓 Lack of Common Interests

This is commonly experienced in partnerships and other long-term romantic relationships. People get into a relationship because they’re “in love,” only to realize they don’t share many common interests once the honeymoon phase ends. And without a lot of proactive and intentional work to build shared interests, the divide can lead to resentment and loneliness.

🧭 Lack of Shared Values

You can still feel lonely if you are physically close to people with similar interests but don’t share your values. Your values are the things that truly matter to you in life (e.g., Honesty, Humility, Determination). Being surrounded by individuals who don’t think the same things are important can lead to feelings of isolation. On the other hand, strong alignment in core values can unite people without shared interests. The problem is many people don’t devote enough time to contemplating and clarifying their values. A clear understanding of your values makes finding people who share them easier.

💔 Lack of Emotional Intimacy.

An absence of emotional closeness can cause immense pain because we want to feel connected but might not feel comfortable taking the steps that allow intimacy—like vulnerability. People in this situation often feel misunderstood or that others don’t “get” them. If they do try to open up to someone, they might end up sabotaging the relationship because they fear continuing to be vulnerable in the future.

🪞 Lack of Self-Intimacy

This means you have a poor relationship with yourself. This can manifest in various ways: staying busy to avoid being alone with your thoughts, attempting to fix difficult emotions instead of understanding them, or discussing your moods and feelings in vague or metaphorical terms. Ultimately, that avoidance can disconnect you from yourself and make you feel like a stranger in your body, perpetuating feelings of loneliness.

🌺 Sol Bites: Use Behavioral Activation to Feel Less Lonely

When it comes to chronic loneliness, you may want more connections but lack the motivation to find them. This technique can help push you to reach out to old friends, go to a party, try dating, or take a class. Behavioral activation is a structured approach to help you start doing things you know would be good for reducing loneliness. (Note: Depending on the activities you choose, it also can help address a lack of physical connection, common interests, and shared values.)

Here’s how it works:

1. ✨ Make a list of everything you loved doing in the past. This list can include things that are big (such as traveling) or small (like crafts).

2. 🌟 Rank the list according to how doable or feasible they seem (e.g., parasailing might not be in the cards right now).

3. 💖 Scan through your top five to 10 doable items and assign each one an enjoyment score. Use a scale of 1-10, where a “10” is super fun and a “1” is meh.

4. 📝 Break down your top feasible task into small steps. For instance, if your task is "go to a community yoga class," steps might include gathering yoga clothes, signing up in advance, and setting a reminder. Clearness is key in overcoming obstacles and increasing the likelihood of accomplishing tasks. Additionally, the act of clarifying these steps can be motivating.

5. 📅 Track your progress. Use a paper calendar or write down the days of the week on a piece of paper, and cross off each day with a colorful marker. This boosts accountability, provides instant rewards, and motivates you in the future.

6. 🌈 Track your enjoyment. Rate how good the experience felt and compare it to your initial assessment on your list. Generally, these activities are more enjoyable than expected. Proving this repeatedly changes perception and boosts motivation.

7. 🔄 Rinse and repeat. After completing the first item on the list, add the next item to your happiness list using steps 4-6.

🎬 Video Bite

When loneliness creeps in, try this quick fix: Scroll through your contacts and send a few friends a personal text sharing what you appreciate about them - it can be as simple as saying you were thinking of them and you really appreciate their love for chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

These small acts of connection can lift your spirits and make someone's day. In this isolating world, we all need more of that human touch. So reach out to someone who lights you up.

Click here to watch a full video by Sol TV Creator Dina Kaplan from “The Path” and turn loneliness into love, one text at a time.