This Newsletter at a Glance

🔍 Are You Emotionally Mature or Immature?

🚩 TL/DR: Warning Signs

💪 Sol Bites: Handle Red Flags Like a Pro

🦋 How to Handle Your Partner's Immaturity and Build a Healthier Relationship

🎥 Video Bite: Yemane Williams on Emotional Maturity

💭 Words of Wisdom

🚩 Your partner doesn’t do their own emotional work.

Example: You’re invited to a family wedding on your partner’s side, but he's not into going. He's awkward about saying no, and you know he’s secretly planning to bail. After reminding him to RSVP, your partner says, "Work is so stressful right now and I can't handle one more thing on my plate. Can you find a way for us to skip this?" Because you feel bad for him, you say, "Sure, I'll handle it." 

🚩 They don’t allow you to feel bad.

Example: Your boss criticizes you, and you're obviously bummed out. Your partner notices that you're down in the dumps, and they ask, "Why are you always so down about work? Can't you find the silver lining and be grateful for what you've got?”

🚩 They love to dish advice to avoid painful feelings.

Example: You're feeling insecure because of snarky things a friend said about you. You tell your partner about the situation, which makes them feel anxious and tense. As a result, they can’t handle your anxiety and complaining so their advice to you is something like, "Just ignore it," or "Maybe you should stop being friends with her?" or “Just laugh it off.”

🚩 They get defensive.

Example: One night, you remind your partner, "You forgot to do the dishes . . . again. Can you please make an effort to remember next time?" And instead of being chill about it, your partner loses it and starts blasting you for all the stuff you forget to do around the house. 

🚩 They don’t get vulnerable.

Example: Your partner is unhappy about how you spend your collective money, but they feel guilty about feeling that way and won't address it with you. That leads to bad vibes, a lack of closeness, and eventually, a breakdown in trust between you.

Set boundaries. 

If your partner consistently asks you to handle the stressful feelings they should be managing themselves, that’s a major problem. You might not notice it’s happening at the start of a relationship—or maybe it won’t bother you much—but you don’t want to be with someone who is outsourcing all of their emotional work on you as your relationship gets more serious. If you're stuck dealing with their feelings, it's time to learn to speak assertively and set boundaries—say no to doing their dirty work. 

Be okay with feeling bad. 

Feeling down doesn't automatically mean your life is terrible, but a partner who thinks feeling crappy is unacceptable will manipulate or shame you for being bummed—whether they realize it or not. It’s great to share your feelings with a partner, but it's your responsibility to handle your emotions. It’s much easier to deal with them when you’re surrounded by someone who accepts, validates, and understands your feelings instead of harshly judging you for having them.

Seek understanding, not just advice. 

It’s hard not to feel down when someone you care about is upset, and that’s why so many people are quick to dish out advice. However, you don’t want advice that is really just meant to shut you up to relieve the other person’s emotional discomfort.  When you’re struggling, you need understanding, empathy, and a connection, not just quick-fix advice. It’s essential to be cautious about getting into a serious relationship with someone who sees your painful feelings as something to be solved instead of shared.

Realize you probably can’t change someone.

If you’re dating someone who always gets defensive, understand that it's a sign they’re insecure and not self-aware. (They don’t even know they’re feeling defensive!) The only way they’ll be able to maturely handle their emotions is if they first realize how they’re acting. Changing that kind of behavior can happen, but psychologists say it is not that common. So, if you end up with someone who is constantly defensive, be ready to deal with that drama on the regular.

Don’t settle for someone who can’t be vulnerable.

Being emotionally vulnerable means being cool with sharing your feelings openly. Some people just can’t or won't do it. A solid relationship with someone who won't open up is practically impossible. TBH, it usually stems from them having a messed up connection with their feelings, and you can't change that no matter how hard you try.

Make it your goal to create a relationship that feels like the safest place on earth.