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Self-Compassion is Your Friend

Self-Compassion is Your Friend

Are you holding yourself back from success? Learn how self-compassion can help you achieve your goals.

Sol TV
July 06, 2023

This Newsletter at a Glance:

💜 What Is Self-Compassion?

🔎 TL/DR: Common Objections

💡 Sol Bites: 5 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion

🎞 Video Bite: Melissa Impett on Self-Compassion

🦉 Words of Wisdom

Last week, we discussed mindfulness and how it’s one of five habits that can help you be awesome at regulating your emotions. Today, we’re focusing on the second habit, self-compassion, and how you can start being kinder to yourself and make it a habit.

💜 What Is Self-Compassion?

Many people hear the words self-love, self-compassion, and “be kinder to yourself” and react with an eye roll, thinking it’s a bunch of self-indulgent, new-age mumbo jumbo.

But it’s a really simple idea: acting as kindly to yourself as you would to a friend having a hard time.

Why is it so important?: Because people are cruel to themselves. One study found that a lack of self-compassion can be devastating over the long term. It can lead to frequent irritability, strained relationships, diminished productivity, and procrastination, and wreak havoc across all aspects of a person’s life.

🔎 TL/DR: Common Objections

The greatest irony is that people who struggle with self-compassion are often the kindest and most compassionate to others. The good news is that many of us already have the skill, but we need to improve how we apply it to ourselves.

Let’s look at some of the thoughts holding us back:

Objection #1: 🥴 Self-compassion Is Hippy-Dippy Nonsense

Actual research shows that self-compassion is beneficial, particularly for emotional challenges. It’s the basis for mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT), a popular treatment for depression. (To learn more, check out Dr. Kristen Neff's book Self-Compassion, which provides an overview of the empirical evidence.)

Objection #2: 🤨 Self-compassion Is Narcissism in Disguise

Narcissism is often a defense for underlying insecurity. People often boast because they feel unimportant and inadequate. Being self-critical and negatively judging yourself can make you feel worse and lead you to spend less time helping or being present with others. (Yes, fixating on your strengths and accomplishments or your flaws and blunders is equally egotistical.) On the other hand, if you are compassionate with yourself—and you stop dwelling on your perceived failures or shortcomings—you’ll have the time and energy to be attentive to others. That is the exact opposite of narcissism.

Objection #3: 😡 High Achievers Should Never Practice Self-compassion

Many successful people rely on self-criticism to fuel their drive. But being hard on yourself in school or your career does not necessarily mean that is the sole cause of your success. Talent, hard work, experience, or luck may have contributed to your success. Most successful people are accomplished despite their self-criticism, not because of it.

Objection #4: 🧬 Self-compassion Is Not in My DNA

Maybe you feel this way because you’ve spent your entire life building up a habit of intense self-criticism and self-judgment. But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to be kind to yourself. Expect that developing this new, opposing habit will initially feel frustrating, awkward, and time-consuming—just as if you were learning to play a sport or instrument. However, if you stick with it, you’ll start to make progress.

💡 Sol Bites: 5 Ways to Practice Self-compassion

Becoming more self-aware is a necessary first step towards better self-management. Try to get to know yourself better and be curious about who you are rather than being combative, and follow this guide:

🎗️ Acknowledge your pain.

This is the beginning of how you will be kind to yourself. Recognizing and facing difficult emotions, rather than running away from them, may not provide immediate comfort, however, it develops your ability to cope with complicated feelings in the future. In this way, it creates emotional resilience.

🤗 Validate your pain. Experiencing your feelings is a way of reminding yourself that even though an emotional experience may be unpleasant, it isn’t wrong or something that reflects poorly on you. Having feelings is part of being human. Even if an emotion doesn’t seem entirely logical or have a clear basis, there is usually a reason why you are feeling a certain way.

⚖️ Use comparison constructively.

Comparing your situation with others isn’t always a bad idea. Reflecting on shared difficulties and struggles as a way to gain perspective on your own experience can help remind you that you’re not alone.

For example: Suppose you’re struggling to finish a project you started months ago. You keep procrastinating and feeling bad about it, which leaves you with even less motivation to get it done.

Rather than beating yourself up, acknowledge your urge to put off the task and remind yourself that everyone procrastinates sometimes. So it's not just about reminding yourself that everyone does it—but you might not always see their procrastination struggle.

💡 Clarify your values. After recognizing and accepting your complex emotions and completing a balanced reflection, the next beneficial self-care step is to recall your beliefs and priorities. Self-compassion is more than being gentle with the negatives; it’s also about reminding yourself of the positives.

For example: If you are not doing well in a class or a sport, you can remind yourself that growth and learning are important to you—and that both of those happen through failure and mistakes.

💪 Act assertively. The ultimate form of self-compassion is having the courage to engage in things that matter to you despite feeling bad. Being assertive is essential and helps you remember that your values and objectives are as much a part of who you are as your distress and hardships.

For example: You may be someone who suffers from anxiety, but if you’ve been tapped to lead a discussion or give a presentation at work, you recognize that the assignment is important, so you go through with it regardless of your fear.

🎞️ Video Bite

In this video, hear what Sol TV Founding Creator Melissa Impett, a fitness professional with a degree in holistic psychology, has to say about how self-compassion changed her life.

💡 Words of wisdom

❝

Self-compassion doesn't make you soft; it just makes you better. Compassion makes you strong, not weak — it gives you the courage to face your formidableness and transform it into something better.

Dr. Kristin Neff, Author and Associate Professor