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Why Contempt Destroys Love—and How to Overcome

Why Contempt Destroys Love—and How to Overcome

Contempt whispers, ‘I love you, but you’re unbearable’—here’s how to mend it

Sol TV
April 03, 2025

💔 Contempt: The Silent Relationship Killer

🔎 TL/DR

🍎 Sol Bites: Ways to Keep Contempt Away

💥 Why Contempt Destroys Relationships (And How to Fix It)

📹 Video Bite: Neil Seligman on Recovering From a Toxic Relationship

🦉 Words of Wisdom

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Research from the Gottman Institute, led by relationship therapist and bestselling author Dr. John Gottman, has shown that contempt causes the most harm to a relationship. It’s even called the top predictor of divorce. In a study that followed couples for 14 years, Gottman and Nan Silver discovered that contemptuous behavior—like sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking—destroys emotional closeness and builds resentment. Other studies, including work from the University of Washington, suggest contempt often grows from unchecked anger or feeling superior to your partner over time.

TL;DR:

Contempt hurts relationships more than anger or criticism. It shows disrespect, and that’s tough to fix.

How to Tell if Contempt is in Your Relationship

You can spot contempt in small but powerful ways. When engaging with your partner, whether you're having a regular conversation or in the middle of an argument, look at the expression on their face. A tightened mouth, pursed lips, or a smirk on one side often means disdain. Eye-rolling or sneering are other clear signals. Listen to how they talk, too. Sarcasm, insults hidden as jokes, or a tone that says “I’m better than you” are also red flags. Behavior matters as well. If your partner dismisses your feelings, cuts you off, or acts superior—or if you do those things—it’s likely that there is contempt in your relationship. Experts say it can even sneak in through silence, like refusing to engage when you’re upset.

Sol Bites: Ways to Keep Contempt Away

You can stop your own contemptuous behavior before it ruins things. When you feel the urge to roll your eyes, take a deep breath instead. You can also replace mockery with curiosity by asking your partner why they feel like they do.

Try seeing your partner as the hero of their own story. Instead of judging them—like thinking “They’re so lazy” when they don’t help with chores—picture them as someone facing hidden struggles and doing their best. For example, if they forget something, think, “They’re juggling a lot; this just slipped.” It’s not about letting them off the hook—it’s about stopping the “I’m better than you” vibe before it starts. This builds empathy quietly, cutting off contempt’s fuel.

Show appreciation often. Tell your partner one thing you like about them each day. Don’t let resentment grow quietly; if something bothers you, talk about it sooner rather than later to prevent it from becoming scornful. Research also suggests it’s helpful to make small, positive gestures—like a kind word or a quick thank-you—which can crowd out negativity before it festers.

Choose kindness. Contempt doesn’t just sting—it kills love by saying, “You’re not worth my respect.” It can start small, with tightened lips or sharp words, and grow into a hard-to-break habit. Watch for the signs, and focus on being understanding instead of disdainful. Relationships need mutual care to last. When you act with respect and connection and don’t let things fester, you can keep contempt from taking root.